Be Careful What You Wish For

If you had a geanie lamp, what would you wish for?
_____
So many people would wish to be the most attractive person in the world, to be the wealthiest person in the world, to be the best at something, to have the person they love love them back, a chance to change time for one reason or another, ect. ect. Not Me. I have no problem with the fact that I am not beautiful. I do not want to roll around in a pile of money, spending it selfishly on myself. I don't care if I'm the best or the worst at anything, though I'm competetive, I don't mind losing; it enhances humility. I'm okay with the fact that the person I love will never love me in return; I just want them to be happy. I would never want to change time... things would be so different; the things that happened in my life for the better might never have happened and I would never chance that. 3 wishes. A mere 3 wishes you get granted. I'll say here that even a single wish with the garuntee to be granted is a wonderful thing, so I don't think Aladin should complain. What would I wish for? This may sound hypocritical, but I'd wish for an endless suply of money. Before you point a finger and think I'm selfish, let me explain myself. With that money, I would buy my best friend her dream car because of everything she's done for me. I'd also pay for her college tuition and all the gas she could burn. I'd take care of all my friends so they could be happy and have the opprotunities to do the things they want to do. The rest, I would give to charities. I honestly care for the starving children in Africa, the starving children everywhere. I care for those that can't provide for themselves and I would help them. Not a cent would go to me, I'd garantee it; I would continue working for the things that I want and not ask them to be handed to me because I have money. My second wish would go for world peace. Yeah, I know I probably sound like a pageant queen or some other sh*t, but I truely want that. I have so many good ideas to make the world a better place. I dream of a world without war and hunger, greed and hatred. I cant even go into my ideas about that... thats for another post in itself. For my third and final wish, I would wish for one of two things. If I could free the geanie with my third wish so he could be free and live, then I would. But if that wasnt so, I would wish for happiness for others. I'd wish that everyone else could be truely, genuinely happy. I want them never to have be so unhappy with their lives that they'd want to end it. I want for my friends who think that way, to look on the bright side and know that it gets better even if its not very good now. I want them, everyone, to be able to see that they are good, that they are wanted, that they never have to end their own lives because someone out here cares about them, and that alone is purpose enough to keep going. I want them never to shut out good thoughts, to be optimists, or remotely optimistic. I want them to be happy.
And that, my good friends, is what I'd wish for. Yeah, I'm sure many wouldn't wish for the same things with the same reasons. But I'd never take my three wished lightly, not like the rest of the world, or those who think solely of themselves. And maybe at the end of the day when all wishes are granted, you, with your money, good looks, and talent better than that of everyone else, and me. You may be happy with what you have, sure. But I, I will know that I made a difference, that I helped someone, that people have and will benefit from 3 little wishes. I will go to bed at night knowing that I did the right thing. That is what I'd wish for. What would you wish for?
~The Em~

Love Letter To You

My Dear Love,
though you know it not. I do love you. My heart only beats for you and the hopes you will see my true feelings. All I want for me is you, all I'll ever want is you. You are my every dream, my every thought. I desire you, need you. I crave your affections and your warm touch. I close my eyes and see you. You flow through my viens, in my blood, and drive me forward every day. I ache for you all hours of the day. I care for you so deeply, always have, always will. I fell for you the moment my eyes laid upon your wonderful figure, soon falling madly in love with the real you. My love always growing for you. My heart always needing you so it can beat, to keep me alive. I love you, so wholely. Only you will I love 'till the day of my death. Only you can dance through my dreams every night. Only you will I love forever.
But you know this not. You havent a clue, or maybe you do, you just refuse to acknowledge the truth. So friends we remain. I rock you in my arms as you cry. I laugh with you when you smile. I feel the pain you feel so often. I feel the real you you lock up inside. I know you inside and out. I've wrapped my life around yours. I've rearranged my priorities, putting you first. I've turned down needed opprotunities for merely the chance to talk to you again. I've always been there for you, or at least, tried. I've stayed stubbornly by your side even when it seemed you did not want me there. I have and will do everything for you as long as you allow it.
So friends we remain. And I regret this will, most certainly, always be so. Friends we shall be. I really do not mind. As long as I'm close to you in some way, I'm satisfied. I'm better now that you're in my life. Better now that I've known you. So I will continue to rock you as you cry. Continue to laugh with you when you smile, feel your pain, and know the real you. I will continue to stay by your side though anything. Always remaining your friend.
It pains me to say this. I suppose giving up all your hopes, giving up your greatest dreams, would hurt. More than anything it hurts. These feelings inside me will continue to grow stonger, and stronger, though already stronger than anything I've ever known. I know, some day, these feelings, this love I have inside me, will eventually cause me to implode. Everything will cave in inside me. My heart will fail me, not wanting to continue beating without your requited love. Because although your friendship is at the least of what I want, it is not what I need, not what can make me truely live and be genuinely happy. No, this will bring my end if never its tended to. But alas I do not care. You are all I want. You are all I need. You in my life at all has prolonged it's willingness to keep on going and growing. A part of me is okay with the early death this love will bring me. But a part of me inside doesnt want this. I dont really want to die not knowing your love. I dont know if I'll ever know your love. But I love you. I want you to feel this love, let it warm you when you're cold. Let my love in, let it flow through your veins. I love you will all my mind, heart, and soul.
You now have my heart. Do with it what you please. Break it into a thousand pieces if it pleases you. Or keep it and cherish it...love it. Do not give it back, I cannot take it. It is yours, your burden or treasure, whichever you chose. Just know: I have and forever will love you. No matter what, I do. I love you.

with all my heart mind and soul,
~The Em~

I Care

I really want you to read this... for me it really hit home...:

You think you're useless
You think you're worth nothing
You harm yourself to rid yourself of the thoughts...

You think noone loves you, you think you're alone. You think You're in a world without someone to care...

I Care.

You think you're not important
You think noone feels your worth their time
You can't rid yourself of the thoughts...

You think the world is against you, You think everyone is there to harm you, You think it's fair that you should die.

I Care.

I care about you, I care about your health. I care about your friends, I care about your life.

I Care.

Put down the razor, don't think of it any more. You have someone to care, someone loves you. You have a purpose, and you can't question that.

I Care.

Lay your head down, I'll bandage the wounds. I'll get your help, don't worry. You'll pull through, I'll make sure of it. I'm here to catch you because I Care.

Don't do it again, I beg you. I scold you, I lecture you, I'll be here if you need me. You can tell me anything, I'll never tell anyone else. I'll help you down if you're willing to come with me.

I Care.

_________

to me... this really, like i said hit home. A friend of mine wrote this and i am so glad he did. this... this really makes me regret what i do... makes me want to stop forever... I know what it feels like on the recieving end of this... its hard. But i too know how it feels to care about someone who does. I lay awake, crying at night for them, for me. I want us to stop so much. When i say us, i mean everyone who does. Not just those that i know. I dont want anyone to feel that they have to. I want everyone to know that i care. I care so truely and deeply. I want you to know that. I want you to be on the recieving end of what you do. I want you to stop and never look back. These tears i cry are for you, for me. You need to know. I Care.

~The Em~

Calling All Viewers

Hello to all... I think. This post is basically just a test. If anyone at all reads this blog, please post a reply to this post. I dont want to have this thing if no one reads it... thats pointless. Again, please reply even if you just say 'yeah' or something... i dont care, just let me know you're out there!
~The Em~

Scarlette Layne

Scarlette Layne died of lies,
of the lies she began.
She tried, tried hard
to live from day to day.
But it wasnt good enough.
The truth hurt unconditionally,
and it was always there.
Scarlette commited suicide
but who knows why?
Why did she pull the trigger?
'She never really had a chance,'
some say,
'She couldnt live with herself.'
But no one really knows why,
why they found Scarlette
in a puddle of her own,
scarlet blood.
Its a case,
cold from the day it opened
because the world is always turning
and it left Scarlette Layne behind.

~The Em~

Endings

Have you ever seriously thought about endings? Its something that crosses my mind quite frequenty. The ending is the most important part of the book, if there is not a good ending, then the whole book is pointless. But thats the thing. Thats what so many people believe. Honestly, to me, there is no such thing as a bad ending. Lets just say you didnt like the ending because the guy died and the girl was left to pine for her dead lover, and it made you sad. Well good; it provoked emotion and thats a great thing. With any other ending, would that book have made you feel anything aside from maybe a little warm fuzzy that lasted five seconds? Probably not. Now youll think back to this book and say to yourself, that was a sad book and you'll remember that you felt something. Those stories that can make you feel inside are the best stories ever. The ending of the book is the most important part there is. I remember the exact last sentence of one of my favorite books. I love that. I love getting mad because things didnt go my way, that romeo and juliette couldnt be together, ect. ect. The author is a genious, seriously. I mean, if they can provoke pure emotion with fictional words, its just something i stand in awe of. The ending the author writes is the only ending that will work. Changing it would be like dubbing yourself pope of the catholic church, and thats really gonna happen. If you can find a book that can make you cry, keep it, its probably very good. I look at books, and i see remarkable endings, endings worth taking time to read 400 pages of pre-info just to get to. Endings are everything, and amazing everythings they are. I want to have a book ending, an ending so memorable. I want to go out, not with a happily ever after, but something more, something greater. I'd be truly honored if i could have a great author write my life. And i'd take my time reading it, just to make the end so much sweeter. So when you think again, that was a bad ending, think, could i honestly have written anything better myself? You will always answer that, no i couldnt. The ending is the most delectable part of the book. So i guess this is a toast to all endings out there, you're great; dont change.

~The Em~

Song Lyrics

Okay so lately these have been my theme songs and so i though i'd share them with you:

"Hold On"
This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you

This pain you cannot bear
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to know more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to know more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on

-Good Charlotte

*********************
"The Middle"

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything will be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everthing, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts,
are gonna say

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything It'll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

-Jimmy Eat World

****************
I love theses songs. They seem like they are telling me about my life. IDK. (And no by the way i am not admitting to being a little kid.

~The Em~

The Mind

Have you ever wondered what goes on in other people's heads? I have. Its been on my mind lately. I was just running around the track today, and was like "okay push it, go, you have no limit, go" ya know. But what goes on in everyone elses head; what are they thinking? Your standing in a group of people, what are they all thinking? I'd love to just be able to get inside people's heads and figure that out. It would be so cool. I know so many people that just sort of space out into no-man's-land and I'd like to know whats going on, ya know? The Mind is a powerful thing... You see pictures of people and its like, what were they thinking when they took this picture? What kind of smile is that: fake, happy, sad...(ect.). What's behind those eyes? It would be so cool if I, or anyone else for that matter, could just get inside a person's head and know exactly what they're thinking. But then again, maybe its a good thing that we can't...

~The Em~

I dont get it...

okay, how does this happen. I have a friend that lives 52 miles away from where i live. her friend, whom i have befriended myself, did a presentation on self-mutilation. I call her after its over. She says i need to stop, and that she cares; that all her friends say they love me and want me to stop too. Why? They dont even know me. How can they care, when my closest friends here dont? My friends dont care that i cut, they just dismiss it like i'm just a stupid emo drama queen. And then these people say they care when the majority of them havent ever spoke to me? Please tell me how this works, because i honestly cant understand it.

Life hurts

oh my god. lately as in the past week, i have been so, so depresed. its not exactly like the kind of depression i have had previously because nothing really caused this depression, it just came here. i've been pretending around all my friends, even the one that i knew i could always be myself around. i just cant face them; let them know how i feel right now. i guess i just cant say it out loud. i can put anything down on paper, but not in words, not everything. i hate the critisism some of them give me. "oh you are such a drama queen" or "emylee, grow up. your just trying to get attention" or "dont worry guys she's always in a bad mood like this, she just cant get over herself". yeah. i hate trying to act the way i feel around some of them. it hurts me even more, so i just have to pretend. some just let it slide, like my feelings dont really matter, so they just go on talking about something else and dont let me finish or explain further. they are all i have, so i dont really want them to think that i'm depressed. honestly, acting happy makes it worse. i cant understand this depression though. its not the same. i have been sleeping, going to bed before midnight, (if you know me thats soooo much sleep, like the amount i get in one week) but i havent been sleeping soundly. my mind is like a chalk board, it used to be very cluttered with stuff. but now there are only small cramped sad things. i've been pretty pissed off too. i just want to hit something soooo bad. i want to be able to pound something, someone into the ground. it doesnt really matter who, someone pisses me off, dude, i snap like no other. and aside from being depressed and angry, i'm also sick, i caughed so hard the other day that i caughed up blood. i literally passed out on tuesday because of it, and i have never before in my life passed out. so when my track coach made me sprint a timed 800, i was sooo pissed because it hurt, not my legs but my lungs and head, not to mention it was cold. yeah, i didnt complain cuz last year those who complained got kicked off the team. but i honestly wanted to beat him into the ground. i got home tonight and i just wanted to cry. after i crawled into a little ball under a blanket, i just wished i was dead. i so want to be dead right now. it hurts. i dont know anymore.
~the em~

I won't ever see you again, will I?

........
"I won't ever see you again, will I?"
"No. You won't."
"Hmmm.. Can we at least pretend that we will see each other tomorrow?"
"Yeah, we can."
"Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow."
........

okay so i was watching this show and they said this. it really made me think. this little boy was saying goodbye forever to his friend, a grown man who helped him in life, yet he wanted to pretend that they would see each other again soon. wow. i know for a fact that i couldnt just be that optimistic/happy-go-lucky about it. i have this thing where i am, like, paranoid as in thinking that at any moment one of my closest friends could die. every time i talk to them, we do, though, just say "later" or something of the sort. so i guess i do that on some level, but i know that there is a greater possibility that i will see them than not. that is a bit easier. but knowing you'll never see that person that means so much to you ever, ever again and just saying "see you tomorrow"? no i couldnt do that. itd kill me inside to know that i wouldnt really see them tomorrow. oh man, i never really thought about stuff like this before. its sort of overwhelming, for me anyway. i know i am so much different than other people on soooo many levels, so this might not have the same effect on others as it does me. but i seriously cried because of this small quote from a movie. one of my friends died one day after an almost regular day of talking with me. i yelled at him right before we got off the phone, and i never got the chance to say sorry or talk to him again. we would, yes, quarrel a lot, but the next day everything would be fine, thats how it always worked untill this time. i guess that's why this thing effected me so. i think you, the viewer, should think about that too. tell me how it effects you. it had a beg effect on me, will it you?
~the em~

light bulb

i got this light bulb.
it was amazing,
bright and brilliant.
i'd turn it on
and it'd shine, no doubts.
i knew that light bulb
was the best there was.
i could always rely on it.
in the darkest of times
that bulb would beam still.
it helped me through times
that seemed no light
would ever come to me.
i loved that bulb
because it always shone.
not now.
i have tried so, so hard
to turn it on;
but no light ever came.
for days, i was in darkness
trying repetetively
to make it again shine.
sometimes it would flicker,
giving me false hope,
and die out again.
now its gone
i can no longer see.
its location, unknown.
maybe it will turn on again
but can i ever trust it
to work like i once had?
to be there for me
when i'm in total darkness?
i have no clue;
this light bulb confuses me.
...............................................

~the em~

whoa, i havent been on here in forever....
okay well in the past few months i've realized a lot of things... the first is that the best things in life like to go away, far away where i cant see them anymore. its a hard realization when you just suddenly know that things, anything good, is really over forever. like for instance: i had the best weekend ever this past weekend, then because it was over, i cried, had a mental breakdown, stayed home from school, and i know it sounds pathetic, but to know its never gonna happen again, that you'll never see the same things again? its so hard, especially when its a person (that was a person i met this weekend). the second is that bad things really happen to good people. many people i know and loved, died these past few months. i had horrible things happen to me, and i dont think i did all that much wrong... idk? the third is that you dont know what you got untill its gone. i've found out the hard way. but i like the song about it.lol. and only one thing has stayed so far, or should i say one person, they've stayed through everything, and i know what i got with that person; the best friendship (on my part) that i have ever had before. yeah, a few realizations in my mind... some thoughts on life , the whole she-bang.
my head is weird
the em is out

Memories...

okay i have been thinking a lot about camp lately and i cant seem to get some of the super-cool phrases some people said. so i will now share with you some of those memories:
"Four score and sevev years ago, our fore-fathers brought unto to this country.... Black people!" Mark (gettysburg address) and Heather (the wild spin.)
"I Eat my cake with a spoon. I eat my cake with a spoon. When there's no fork around, I will not wear a frown, for I'll eat my cake with a spoon." song first sung by Mark
"What is 'Weimer'?" Abby, totally clueless
"Boy-pretty. Its real... Hey, Nick, you're boy-pretty. Okay no you're not, but your brother is." Abby with the legendary boy-pretty thing.
"Rebecca Brown can moo. Can you?" Levi and myself poking fun at Rebecca.
"Your mer-mans boobs are croocked. See that one is bigger than the other." Nathan mocking our wining mer-maid thanks to sam
"Your legs are really smooth (*petting nicki's legs*)" Jessica
"As of now i am 13 years young" me, and nicki's response "dude, only old people can be 'years young'."
"Does it count if you get shot by one?" Nathan
"We stuck........ our butts........ out the window......... at the ......... creepy guys........ at mcdonalds........" courtney(.......... means uncontrolable laughter during)
"Pin her down!!!!!!!" said by daniella after joanna said "If she doesnt get her picture taken, then we all go to bed now!" all of this directed at me
"We want to stay up untill Justin and Ashley get here" my whole cabin but we all zonked out before that
"I'm glad i am a camper there's nothing i'd rather be, but if i were'nt a camper... An Albino Pine Fligeon I would be" the revised version of the counselor song sang by my camper but this vers was my own
"I'm here to get my ultrasound" by belinda then "AHHHH" by justin running out of the room fearing he'll get pregnant
"Llama llama llama llama kiss a llama llama llama llama" dotty's version of the llama song
"I like you because you told me that i shouldnt want to go home because we'll miss you here" belinda saying why she liked me, which i do not recall saying that
"Spontaniousness" word created there by yours truely
"Oh my god! You cant see that he likes you!?!" me trying to convince nicki that justin likes her back, but i couldnt enter into her thick skull
"Good job you whore, heard you slept with nicki last night" levi to me after my staying in the other cabin with nicki that night
"Bye" i think everyone said this to their new friends as well i did, when i reluctantly left the place i live for.

~The Em~

Unexpected Gifts...

Its funny. People just sometimes pop up in your life, and its a bit weird at first, but wonderful as it goes on. To me, the people that just pop up, mean so much more than the people that slowly fade into your life. I absolutely adore these people. Right now, I couldnt imagine my life without them, but a while ago, I had no idea who they were. Mainly there are two people that just appeared. The first, I didnt actually talk to, but wanted to be friends with for a while, and that person became more to me than anyone in under a week. The second, just literally apeared one day, on my msn, and I have to admit, it was really weird at first, but now were are as tight as two threads in a cloth's hem. I absolutely adore these people, but then adore is an understatement. It feels like they made my life better by just being there that one day when we met. My friend asked me one day "If you could meet anyone, who would you meet?" She had replied, her mother who had died before she got to know her, but I said I would just go back again and meet these same people who were just these wonderful unexpected gifts to me and I couldnt live without them now. These people are like china to me: I want to always protect them from the outside world and charish them forever. I sometimes cant believe its real, but then I know it is and always will be. Pop ups are the best things in my life right now and I wouldnt trade them for anything. (But I absolutely love the 'non-pop-ups' too!)

~The Em~

Density

For all you blondes out there... Know i still love you!

No matter how repetitive

how thorough, how precise,

your densely compacted skull

can't apprehend my advice.

Nothing, it seems, has the ability

to penetrate into your head.

If your life depended on it,

I'm afraid, you'd be dead.

I've tried so hard to help

to get you to realize;

see the most obvious things

or what anyone simply implies.

My assistance, though, I've noted

isn't really help at all,

for nothing has actually changed;

it's as disappointing as rainfall.

So whenever I try to show

what I feel or want most

you only overlook my thoughts

like they were but faint ghosts.

It's as though I never tried

I wish I hadn't, I admit,

so now I know your density

is something you'll always emit.

I Quit.

~The Em~

New Year...

Well its a new year now...not much different though. In the last few days of the long lost 2006, Sadam was hanged, but honestly, I dont think that it was him that they actually hanged, but someone else, I think he's still out there... but thats just my thoughts on the matter. Ford, a former president died, and in the new year, I sort of watched the funeral, but decided that the music sucked, so I muted it, and put on The Used and the funeral was much better, and not so dull. The new year, didnt really come in as a !BANG! either, I mean, at the party I went to, the countdown on the T.V. stopped so we had new year's about 45 seconds after everyone else, so technically I had no real New Year. But the party was cool, and I got to see some of my friends. There was this band there (dont remember the name) and they were pretty good, but nobody was listening to them, which I thought was very rude considering that they were a popular christian rock band, so I dragged Kaye, Em, and Ty and we sat in the middle of the floor and listened intently. I was happy cuz' the band came up and talked to us afterwards and they were good looking (I mean really good looking) and it was pretty cool. But otherwise my night sucked, and I still havent figured out what my resolution should be... but I will continue working on it. Since the new year came, I had to go back to school today, and I was so glad to be back in civilization again. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love not being in school, but solitarily confining myself in my room for a week, was a little to much. Voices started talking to me... they told me to burn things! lol jk!! But so glad to get back to my peeps and the cooleo teach Smead, who is hilarious when she wants to be (a lot of the time.) So lucky me, new year is here, and so is civilization. And only about 20 more days with the devil (Mrs. Vogel,) and 7 more days 'til semester break, then spring break, then summer! Its not that long, if you think about it, 'til 2008, but then again, I'm jumping ahead. So enjoy your new year, or not so new year, I know I might... in 20 days! But now I'm off to enjoy othere things in my new year than typing. Happy Belated New Year!

~The Em~