Insanity

It's crazy the things that have changed in my life.

It's crazy how it's 2011 and it seems like 2010 just started yet went on far too long...

It's crazy how I'm almost done with high school, yet I am beyond ready for it to be over.

It's crazy how I can't wait to get out of this town, but I can't stand thinking about leaving...

It's crazy how much I hate this guy for leaving me, for hurting me, and yet I can't stop crawling back to him.

It's crazy how I still think I love you and miss you every day, even though you slashed my tires and I should hate you more than anything in the world.

It's crazy how my life has changed.

It's crazy how I've become someone I never thought I'd ever be.

It's crazy how the people I thought were friends were not.

It's crazy how I'm surprised when you do kind things, but I'm not phased by your ability to hurt me.

It's crazy how no matter what I do or where I go, it never changes....

It's crazy how my life has changed.

It's crazy....

~the em~

In Loving Memory

Dear Kandalynn Marie Hall,
I never really knew you well. We'd had classes together and when we were little kids, we went to a camp together. I remember you were my biggest rival at carpetball and at every opprotunity we got, we would be at those tables, and chances are, you were beating me. You were my best friend there. Granted after that, we grew far apart. But I never forgot that, never forgot you. Throughout high school, we had various classes together. Health, I think was the big one. You hadn't changed from when we were kids. You were never afraid to speak your mind and you didn't give a shit what other people thought as long as you were happy. You were so full of life. Though I didn't know you well, I knew that even still. And now you're gone. You're life was taken so quickly, so unexpectedly, so unfairly. I never thought it would be like this, even when I heard the devastating news I just figured and hoped with all my being everything would be okay. I'm still waiting to wake up in the morning from this nightmare and see you're okay and at school, as happy as always. But I know that won't happen. Reality hasn't hit yet. It just seems so impossible that you're really gone. You were so young. You didn't deserve this Kandi. You deserve to be alive, to be happy, to be going to prom next weekend, to graduate in two years, to get married and have kids, to die of old age. But now you're gone. Your life was stripped away without rhyme or reason. You were loved by so many and you will be greatly missed. I hope you know that now, wherever you are. School isn't the same without you, nothing is the same. No one will forget you Kandi. You've helped us all in life and in death. I know now that I will never take a single moment for granted because there is no telling when it will all be taken away from you. I will try harder when crossing an intersection to look both ways and be a better driver. I will live every day to the fullest and have no regrets. Thank you for everything, for being you, for living life, for loving it. I hope you are happier now, hope you are out of pain and at peace. You will always be loved, no matter what happens. You will always have a spot in my mind and in my heart.
With all my heart,
I miss you.
Emylee Brooke Sanders

I'm Fearless

I've told you time and time again. I'm fearless.

But to be honest though, I'm not. I'm not afraid of spiders, of snakes, of the monsters under the bed. I don't scream in scary movies, don't freak out at haunted houses or worry incessantly about what's hiding behind the next corner. I have no phobias. I'm also not afraid of what other people think of me, of what others are capable of, or the authority posessed by some. However, I am scared of you. Scared shitless. I'm scared you're going to walk out of my life as quickly as you walked into it. I'm scared that you'll hurt me. I'm scared that you'll stop loving me, scared that someday you'll wake up and see my every flaw. I'm afraid you'll shatter my heart into a billion little pieces. I'm afraid you'll realize you're way too good for me. I'm afraid you'll find someone better and you'll take that opprotunity. I'm afriad you'll get tired of me, afraid you'll leave and never come back. I'm terrified if that happens, if you break my heart, how it will kill me to see you. I'm terrified by how my heart already stops every time I see you, terrified by how much it would it hurt if you leave. I'm terrified that you're just like cocaine, and baby I"m addicted.

I'm just completely and utterly fearful.
~th em~

There Is No Fighting the Tide

Along with death and taxes, change is also something that is expected and required in life. It happens every day to every one. Some are small, like changing your mind on where to go for lunch. Some are life altering, like death. With the changes, you must adapt. I'll probably be the first to admitt, I'm not the greatest in the world at adapting to change or accepting it for that matter. A bitter taste on my tongue, change is something I do not like. I'm not unlike others in this matter. Find any cafeteria or break room. People will sit in the same place every time. Someone takes their place and all hell breaks loose. But despite my distaste for eminent change, I find myself submerged in it. Just when I think I can tread the waters of a change, a new wave breaks and I'm pulled under again to fight my way back to the surface. It's a never ending fight. It seems I can't catch a break. Not all change is bad, not in the least. There are probably as many positive changes in life as negative. It's all a part of living, of breathing. Changing. You can't evade it, can't fight it. The world is always turning, the days are never the same.
~the em~

The One That Got Away

How often I crave to write, to express my thoughts and feelings. Though those thoughts never seem to be able to reach the ends of my fingertips so that I may type it, or to my tongue so that I can say it. Even at this feeble attempt to express them, I cannot help but crave a smoke or a drink or some pills so that the unnecessary stress they may cause might be avoided. I am not a smoker. I am not an alcoholic. I am not a pill popper. I am simply a girl, a girl who is tired of feeling pain and misery. I do not want to keep crying over a boy. I do not want to be that girl, the one whose world revolves completely around this boy, and then the world completely stops spinning when he breaks my heart. I do not want this. But more than anything, I do not want to still love him, after all this time, after all he's done. However, this seems to be the cards I have been dealt. I hated how cliche I became when he and I were together: I was that girl who was constantly thinking about him, sighing with infatuation at the very thought of him, itching every moment to be with him. But I couldn't help it. He was the first person that I ever loved, who I ever cared about so whole-heartedly and genuinely. But alas the old saying seems to be utterly true: It was too good to be true. And yes, he did break my heart: shattered it into a thousand pieces left for me to put back together on my own, but I can't regret anything that happened. I learned so much about myself from him that I would never take any of that back. I'm so grateful to have met him, to have him in my life for that period, as I forever will be. Something tells me I'll always care for this boy, that for me, he's the one that got away. But alas, the time has come for me to move on, to stop feeling bad about myself, to not cry over him any longer. I've slowly but surely pieced my broken heart back together. And, though at the time I never thought it would, the world still turns.

~the em~

Changing Seasons

Although this seems like a relatively frequently discussed topic on my blog, it was a part of my life and a fairly significant part, so I feel the need to talk about it, or well, type, but let's not get technical. Today is essentially my two year milemarker of not using self injury. It's really one of the most refreshing things to think about and realize. It didn't even really hit me untill I looked at the date this evening and for some reason it seemed familiar. I haven't cut in two years. Two whole years. It's so incredible considering two years ago, I never thought I'd see this day. Not only is this an insanely amazing marker in my life, but I have officially closed every part of my old life. Yesterday was the very last day with even a hint of that Emylee. Today, I opened up the new me completely by, not drawing my own blood to cause myself pain, but by donating it to a blood bank to save someone elses life. I saved my own two years ago when I quit, now I find it appropriate to save others'. This will probably be the last time I even recognize this date, so I felt the need to say all this. My life has taken a turn from the worst to something so great. No one really reads this blog, and I'm perfectly okay with that. But to whoever does, when shit happens, it gets better. My blog is solid proof of that. In only a short period of time, someone can go from having absolutely no hope to having all the joy in the world. Have hope. Life isn't all bad, despite what you may think or feel at the moment. It only gets better.
~the em~

What A Predicament...

You know, there are many great things about being able to relate your own heart to the love songs you hear on the radio. Then again, it is also very painful because, just like all the songs, there is heart ache and sorrow. You're heart breaks, and like those touching, heart renching songs, it hurts like fucking hell. Quite honestly, I haven't quite experienced this one fully yet. No, see we haven't broken up, and I don't think we will. However, I can still feel the pain it may someday bring me if that sad thing happens. We're on a break. He's my "best friend" instead of my boyfriend, as he puts it. Things were hard, and yeah, I get that. But when something really matters to you, no matter how hard it is, you keep fighting to make it work. Right? Is that just me? I guess there's other logic that states otherwise. I know he cares about me; there's no denying it. I just really don't know what this means. James tells me not to worry, she thinks it's all going to work out happily. She's not the only one who thinks so. I hope that it will, with every fiber of my being. He's turned himself into my everything. I don't want that to go away. God I don't know what to do, how to feel. I just keep going, living my life from day to day, acting like everything's all superb and normal. But is it? I have faith in him, and I don't doubt him in any way. I'm just so used to losing everything I care about that it seems almost impossible to not worry. Oh dear.... my heart hurts... Even if we're not technically together, I still miss you.... I don't know how I'm supposed to stop that...

~the em~