I dont get it...

okay, how does this happen. I have a friend that lives 52 miles away from where i live. her friend, whom i have befriended myself, did a presentation on self-mutilation. I call her after its over. She says i need to stop, and that she cares; that all her friends say they love me and want me to stop too. Why? They dont even know me. How can they care, when my closest friends here dont? My friends dont care that i cut, they just dismiss it like i'm just a stupid emo drama queen. And then these people say they care when the majority of them havent ever spoke to me? Please tell me how this works, because i honestly cant understand it.

Life hurts

oh my god. lately as in the past week, i have been so, so depresed. its not exactly like the kind of depression i have had previously because nothing really caused this depression, it just came here. i've been pretending around all my friends, even the one that i knew i could always be myself around. i just cant face them; let them know how i feel right now. i guess i just cant say it out loud. i can put anything down on paper, but not in words, not everything. i hate the critisism some of them give me. "oh you are such a drama queen" or "emylee, grow up. your just trying to get attention" or "dont worry guys she's always in a bad mood like this, she just cant get over herself". yeah. i hate trying to act the way i feel around some of them. it hurts me even more, so i just have to pretend. some just let it slide, like my feelings dont really matter, so they just go on talking about something else and dont let me finish or explain further. they are all i have, so i dont really want them to think that i'm depressed. honestly, acting happy makes it worse. i cant understand this depression though. its not the same. i have been sleeping, going to bed before midnight, (if you know me thats soooo much sleep, like the amount i get in one week) but i havent been sleeping soundly. my mind is like a chalk board, it used to be very cluttered with stuff. but now there are only small cramped sad things. i've been pretty pissed off too. i just want to hit something soooo bad. i want to be able to pound something, someone into the ground. it doesnt really matter who, someone pisses me off, dude, i snap like no other. and aside from being depressed and angry, i'm also sick, i caughed so hard the other day that i caughed up blood. i literally passed out on tuesday because of it, and i have never before in my life passed out. so when my track coach made me sprint a timed 800, i was sooo pissed because it hurt, not my legs but my lungs and head, not to mention it was cold. yeah, i didnt complain cuz last year those who complained got kicked off the team. but i honestly wanted to beat him into the ground. i got home tonight and i just wanted to cry. after i crawled into a little ball under a blanket, i just wished i was dead. i so want to be dead right now. it hurts. i dont know anymore.
~the em~

I won't ever see you again, will I?

........
"I won't ever see you again, will I?"
"No. You won't."
"Hmmm.. Can we at least pretend that we will see each other tomorrow?"
"Yeah, we can."
"Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow."
........

okay so i was watching this show and they said this. it really made me think. this little boy was saying goodbye forever to his friend, a grown man who helped him in life, yet he wanted to pretend that they would see each other again soon. wow. i know for a fact that i couldnt just be that optimistic/happy-go-lucky about it. i have this thing where i am, like, paranoid as in thinking that at any moment one of my closest friends could die. every time i talk to them, we do, though, just say "later" or something of the sort. so i guess i do that on some level, but i know that there is a greater possibility that i will see them than not. that is a bit easier. but knowing you'll never see that person that means so much to you ever, ever again and just saying "see you tomorrow"? no i couldnt do that. itd kill me inside to know that i wouldnt really see them tomorrow. oh man, i never really thought about stuff like this before. its sort of overwhelming, for me anyway. i know i am so much different than other people on soooo many levels, so this might not have the same effect on others as it does me. but i seriously cried because of this small quote from a movie. one of my friends died one day after an almost regular day of talking with me. i yelled at him right before we got off the phone, and i never got the chance to say sorry or talk to him again. we would, yes, quarrel a lot, but the next day everything would be fine, thats how it always worked untill this time. i guess that's why this thing effected me so. i think you, the viewer, should think about that too. tell me how it effects you. it had a beg effect on me, will it you?
~the em~

light bulb

i got this light bulb.
it was amazing,
bright and brilliant.
i'd turn it on
and it'd shine, no doubts.
i knew that light bulb
was the best there was.
i could always rely on it.
in the darkest of times
that bulb would beam still.
it helped me through times
that seemed no light
would ever come to me.
i loved that bulb
because it always shone.
not now.
i have tried so, so hard
to turn it on;
but no light ever came.
for days, i was in darkness
trying repetetively
to make it again shine.
sometimes it would flicker,
giving me false hope,
and die out again.
now its gone
i can no longer see.
its location, unknown.
maybe it will turn on again
but can i ever trust it
to work like i once had?
to be there for me
when i'm in total darkness?
i have no clue;
this light bulb confuses me.
...............................................

~the em~