Shot Down

Shot down. Thats what happened to me..

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I made a friend. I considered them a very good friend to me. We would talk all the time on the phone. My mum didnt approve of us talking, so she limited my phone priveleges when they called. Of course I didnt agree with this so I snuck my mum's cell into my room at night and called them then. This person always made me smile. I enjoyed talking to them more than almost anyone. Then they sort of became a jerk for a while, and I felt sad like I was losing them. I didnt call them for a couple of weeks, to see if they cared enough to call me back. They didnt. But when I finally decided to call them, it seemed all my anger went away because they werent acting like a jerk anymore. The rude comments stopped coming, and I started to trust them again. We would talk on the phone at nights like always but not so frequently. Finally on night, they told me that they didnt consider me a friend anymore, that I'm more or less just a little psychiatrist girl to them, that we arent friends because I dont tell them anything. "BAM". Its just like they shot me in the chest. I felt so bad. They couldnt have chose a better time for this either, considering one of my good friends died a few days back. I then told them everything that came to my mind about how I was feeling right then; depressed. I tried to discuss other things too, but my mind was so confused, I only felt sad. Then while I felt things were starting to get a little better, they say that they have to get off the phone because its about to die, but they'll call me the next day so we can continue our conversation. Guess what? They didnt call. I felt really sad, but really mad at the same time. Its just like they shot me again and burnt me with the barrel. I feel roten, like I dont matter to anyone right now, like no one cares about me at all. I feel that if I died right now no one would care. But then again, what good would that do? I have no clue anymore. I was so depressed up untill about mid-summer and then I started to get better, gradually. Everything stayed the same, nothing changed, but I was starting to be happy again. Then the death happened and now this... it all feels like everything is going downhill right now. I guess I'm in a mourning state, and its sort of normal. I know I'll start to feel better sooner or later. But with this friend and whats going on with them? I dont know. I'll give you a sort of example: I'm up on the Brooklyn Bridge about to jump off. My friends are the ones holding me back. Before, I was trying to pull away from my friends, last year. But then I started letting them pull me back onto the bridge. If one of them lets go, I will again begin to fall and pull away from my friends. I cherish my friends deeply and to lose one is an awful thing. Right now I'm just sitting on the edge, pondering over what to do. Two of my friends already let go of me, due to death. Now I feel another is pulling away, allowing me to again resist. I hope to god that I can allow myself to me dragged back onto the bridge, into civilization, and I so dearly want that. But right now I'm just so confused... I do know some things so #1) the friends that are holding on with all their might, I thank so dearly and I love them so much for being there #2) the one who I feel is pulling I still love, because I still consider you a friend #3) I will always love my friends who passed away and will always be sad that they couldnt have more time; they died so young and #4) I will never commit suicide I feel its selfish and even though I am depressed I will never do it. So being shot down, hurts so much, but I will not try to dwell on whats wrong in life, not be the pesimist I am, but try to use optimism more... I'll try to be happy and will always be here for whoever needs me.


~The Em~

Death

A story I wrote, not very good but it was something that was on my mind so here you go...

Jayne was a very wealthy, successful company owner in New York City. She became good friends with one of her best employees, Margot, who was intelligent, punctual, and good looking. Jayne took pride in her friend and employee. The two of them always took lunch together and talked about company management, sales, and production, as well as personal things. Often Jayne cleared her schedule to spend time with Margot.
One day, Margot was working late in the copy room. She watched the machine copy and print page after page after page. Knowing she would be here for a while, Margot went to the break room for a warm cup of coffee. She stirred in the cream and sugar then headed back the copy room, one floor down. Margot walked to the elevator, pressed the call button, and waited for the doors to open. She thought she heard footsteps, but then again remembered that everyone should already have gone home. Looking around the corner, down the next hall, Margot saw Death and he pointed at her. She dropped her coffee on the carpeted floor scared out of her mind, and ran to the stairs and took them two at a time. She dashed to the copy room to retrieve the papers the machine had finished copying.
Jayne heard Margot enter her office, panting and flushed like she had seen a ghost. “You look awful. What happened? Is something wrong?”
Margot told Jayne about her encounter with Death, how she dropped her coffee and needed to find the night custodian, and how she finished getting the papers copied for her. Jayne laughed a little when Margot told her that she was worried about the coffee and the papers. Jayne then became very serious. “You need to get away, you can’t stay here.” She bustled around her desk, and finally found whatever she was looking for. “Here are the keys to my lake house. You can stay there for a while so Death can’t find you. You must hurry. I’d go with you but I have lots of paperwork to fill out here.”
She took the keys and thanked Jayne for everything. Margot embraced her good friend, maybe for the last time, but hopefully not considering Death wouldn’t be able to find her at the lake house.
Later when Jayne was finished with all her paperwork, she headed for the elevator. She pressed the down button and waited for the elevator, like Margot had earlier, and heard footsteps. She looked down the hall and saw Death, but instead of running, walked up to Death and confronted him. “Why did you go and scare my friend Margot like that?” Jayne’s tone was very harsh.
“Oh, I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to scare her. I was just surprised to see Margot earlier, because I have a meeting with her tonight at your lake house.”


This is a story, for all of you who didnt catch on, about the fact that you can not cheat Death.

~The Em~

Some Poems...

I wrote some poems and two of my favorites are these:

The Anger That I Bleed

I remove my mask of happiness
remaining depression and fear
but overpowering is my anger
now showing loud and clear

I run into my silent home
through the open door of my room
dropping my stuff on the cold wood floors
leaving an echoing 'boom'

tightly clenching my fists
I attack the hard empty wall
punching repetetively wanting to stop
realizing my will power bagan to fall

knuckles red and skinned to the bone
still I hit with all my might
The wall, cracking slightly with every blow
its color, not longer remains white.

A stead flow of blood escapes my hands
yet I still refuse to ciece
until red is completely covering white
my mind won't come to peace

exhausted with mo more energy to waste
I stumble back, eyes welling,
scream as loud and hard as I can,
through teary eyes, hands swelling

my tower of anger now not so feirce
I fall to the ground weeping of sorrow
tears cover my face and drip to the floor
knowing that I will regret this tomorrow.


A Volcanic Eruption

its building up
the need to release her anger,
her fear, her sorrow.
producing a giant volcano
of feelings ready to erupt.

when it does
she'll break down
no longer able
to imprison anything
willing to end
the hell hole called her life.

its amazing how much
this small mountain can take
it seemes to be shaking
with her emotions
but elasticity
isnt its expertise.

the red hot explosion
is a dreadful sight
everything crumbling
nothing left
but the body that contains her.

over soon is this life
only depression remains.
her once happy life
now lays in the hands
of death.


~The Em~

Nine Things I Hate About People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their butts to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Heck yeah! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the dang floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, idiot?

*note: i didnt write these, i just thought that they were hilarious so i'd share! (i also excluded the profanity cuz some peeps are offended by that)

~The Em~

Nutshells

Christmas was very hectic. Half of my family I havent seen since Thanksgiving, and the other half I see all the time. So that caused me to listen to what was going on in everyone's life without the privelege of nutshells. I guess thats my fault, I mean i told them to tell me everything. But when i finished hearing the last of everybody's story, i could not wait to just slip off and listen to my MP3. God i love nutshells, except the one i think i saw in the borsch that my grandmother made, which tasted like crap and was purple, an evil color. Then to top it off she sent the rest of it home with us to eat, and i thank god that i havent been hungry since saturday. I also got lots of nuts in my stocking Christmas morning but i cant say i like nuts all that well, so i fed them to my brother. I got some other good stuff, but in a nutshell, Christmas wasnt fun this year. It didnt even feel like Christmas cuz theres no snow, and nothing is cheery, it seems. So i hope your Christmas was better than mine. Happy Holiday's

~The Em~