Life hurts

oh my god. lately as in the past week, i have been so, so depresed. its not exactly like the kind of depression i have had previously because nothing really caused this depression, it just came here. i've been pretending around all my friends, even the one that i knew i could always be myself around. i just cant face them; let them know how i feel right now. i guess i just cant say it out loud. i can put anything down on paper, but not in words, not everything. i hate the critisism some of them give me. "oh you are such a drama queen" or "emylee, grow up. your just trying to get attention" or "dont worry guys she's always in a bad mood like this, she just cant get over herself". yeah. i hate trying to act the way i feel around some of them. it hurts me even more, so i just have to pretend. some just let it slide, like my feelings dont really matter, so they just go on talking about something else and dont let me finish or explain further. they are all i have, so i dont really want them to think that i'm depressed. honestly, acting happy makes it worse. i cant understand this depression though. its not the same. i have been sleeping, going to bed before midnight, (if you know me thats soooo much sleep, like the amount i get in one week) but i havent been sleeping soundly. my mind is like a chalk board, it used to be very cluttered with stuff. but now there are only small cramped sad things. i've been pretty pissed off too. i just want to hit something soooo bad. i want to be able to pound something, someone into the ground. it doesnt really matter who, someone pisses me off, dude, i snap like no other. and aside from being depressed and angry, i'm also sick, i caughed so hard the other day that i caughed up blood. i literally passed out on tuesday because of it, and i have never before in my life passed out. so when my track coach made me sprint a timed 800, i was sooo pissed because it hurt, not my legs but my lungs and head, not to mention it was cold. yeah, i didnt complain cuz last year those who complained got kicked off the team. but i honestly wanted to beat him into the ground. i got home tonight and i just wanted to cry. after i crawled into a little ball under a blanket, i just wished i was dead. i so want to be dead right now. it hurts. i dont know anymore.
~the em~