I dont get it...

okay, how does this happen. I have a friend that lives 52 miles away from where i live. her friend, whom i have befriended myself, did a presentation on self-mutilation. I call her after its over. She says i need to stop, and that she cares; that all her friends say they love me and want me to stop too. Why? They dont even know me. How can they care, when my closest friends here dont? My friends dont care that i cut, they just dismiss it like i'm just a stupid emo drama queen. And then these people say they care when the majority of them havent ever spoke to me? Please tell me how this works, because i honestly cant understand it.

Life hurts

oh my god. lately as in the past week, i have been so, so depresed. its not exactly like the kind of depression i have had previously because nothing really caused this depression, it just came here. i've been pretending around all my friends, even the one that i knew i could always be myself around. i just cant face them; let them know how i feel right now. i guess i just cant say it out loud. i can put anything down on paper, but not in words, not everything. i hate the critisism some of them give me. "oh you are such a drama queen" or "emylee, grow up. your just trying to get attention" or "dont worry guys she's always in a bad mood like this, she just cant get over herself". yeah. i hate trying to act the way i feel around some of them. it hurts me even more, so i just have to pretend. some just let it slide, like my feelings dont really matter, so they just go on talking about something else and dont let me finish or explain further. they are all i have, so i dont really want them to think that i'm depressed. honestly, acting happy makes it worse. i cant understand this depression though. its not the same. i have been sleeping, going to bed before midnight, (if you know me thats soooo much sleep, like the amount i get in one week) but i havent been sleeping soundly. my mind is like a chalk board, it used to be very cluttered with stuff. but now there are only small cramped sad things. i've been pretty pissed off too. i just want to hit something soooo bad. i want to be able to pound something, someone into the ground. it doesnt really matter who, someone pisses me off, dude, i snap like no other. and aside from being depressed and angry, i'm also sick, i caughed so hard the other day that i caughed up blood. i literally passed out on tuesday because of it, and i have never before in my life passed out. so when my track coach made me sprint a timed 800, i was sooo pissed because it hurt, not my legs but my lungs and head, not to mention it was cold. yeah, i didnt complain cuz last year those who complained got kicked off the team. but i honestly wanted to beat him into the ground. i got home tonight and i just wanted to cry. after i crawled into a little ball under a blanket, i just wished i was dead. i so want to be dead right now. it hurts. i dont know anymore.
~the em~

I won't ever see you again, will I?

........
"I won't ever see you again, will I?"
"No. You won't."
"Hmmm.. Can we at least pretend that we will see each other tomorrow?"
"Yeah, we can."
"Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow."
........

okay so i was watching this show and they said this. it really made me think. this little boy was saying goodbye forever to his friend, a grown man who helped him in life, yet he wanted to pretend that they would see each other again soon. wow. i know for a fact that i couldnt just be that optimistic/happy-go-lucky about it. i have this thing where i am, like, paranoid as in thinking that at any moment one of my closest friends could die. every time i talk to them, we do, though, just say "later" or something of the sort. so i guess i do that on some level, but i know that there is a greater possibility that i will see them than not. that is a bit easier. but knowing you'll never see that person that means so much to you ever, ever again and just saying "see you tomorrow"? no i couldnt do that. itd kill me inside to know that i wouldnt really see them tomorrow. oh man, i never really thought about stuff like this before. its sort of overwhelming, for me anyway. i know i am so much different than other people on soooo many levels, so this might not have the same effect on others as it does me. but i seriously cried because of this small quote from a movie. one of my friends died one day after an almost regular day of talking with me. i yelled at him right before we got off the phone, and i never got the chance to say sorry or talk to him again. we would, yes, quarrel a lot, but the next day everything would be fine, thats how it always worked untill this time. i guess that's why this thing effected me so. i think you, the viewer, should think about that too. tell me how it effects you. it had a beg effect on me, will it you?
~the em~

light bulb

i got this light bulb.
it was amazing,
bright and brilliant.
i'd turn it on
and it'd shine, no doubts.
i knew that light bulb
was the best there was.
i could always rely on it.
in the darkest of times
that bulb would beam still.
it helped me through times
that seemed no light
would ever come to me.
i loved that bulb
because it always shone.
not now.
i have tried so, so hard
to turn it on;
but no light ever came.
for days, i was in darkness
trying repetetively
to make it again shine.
sometimes it would flicker,
giving me false hope,
and die out again.
now its gone
i can no longer see.
its location, unknown.
maybe it will turn on again
but can i ever trust it
to work like i once had?
to be there for me
when i'm in total darkness?
i have no clue;
this light bulb confuses me.
...............................................

~the em~

whoa, i havent been on here in forever....
okay well in the past few months i've realized a lot of things... the first is that the best things in life like to go away, far away where i cant see them anymore. its a hard realization when you just suddenly know that things, anything good, is really over forever. like for instance: i had the best weekend ever this past weekend, then because it was over, i cried, had a mental breakdown, stayed home from school, and i know it sounds pathetic, but to know its never gonna happen again, that you'll never see the same things again? its so hard, especially when its a person (that was a person i met this weekend). the second is that bad things really happen to good people. many people i know and loved, died these past few months. i had horrible things happen to me, and i dont think i did all that much wrong... idk? the third is that you dont know what you got untill its gone. i've found out the hard way. but i like the song about it.lol. and only one thing has stayed so far, or should i say one person, they've stayed through everything, and i know what i got with that person; the best friendship (on my part) that i have ever had before. yeah, a few realizations in my mind... some thoughts on life , the whole she-bang.
my head is weird
the em is out

Memories...

okay i have been thinking a lot about camp lately and i cant seem to get some of the super-cool phrases some people said. so i will now share with you some of those memories:
"Four score and sevev years ago, our fore-fathers brought unto to this country.... Black people!" Mark (gettysburg address) and Heather (the wild spin.)
"I Eat my cake with a spoon. I eat my cake with a spoon. When there's no fork around, I will not wear a frown, for I'll eat my cake with a spoon." song first sung by Mark
"What is 'Weimer'?" Abby, totally clueless
"Boy-pretty. Its real... Hey, Nick, you're boy-pretty. Okay no you're not, but your brother is." Abby with the legendary boy-pretty thing.
"Rebecca Brown can moo. Can you?" Levi and myself poking fun at Rebecca.
"Your mer-mans boobs are croocked. See that one is bigger than the other." Nathan mocking our wining mer-maid thanks to sam
"Your legs are really smooth (*petting nicki's legs*)" Jessica
"As of now i am 13 years young" me, and nicki's response "dude, only old people can be 'years young'."
"Does it count if you get shot by one?" Nathan
"We stuck........ our butts........ out the window......... at the ......... creepy guys........ at mcdonalds........" courtney(.......... means uncontrolable laughter during)
"Pin her down!!!!!!!" said by daniella after joanna said "If she doesnt get her picture taken, then we all go to bed now!" all of this directed at me
"We want to stay up untill Justin and Ashley get here" my whole cabin but we all zonked out before that
"I'm glad i am a camper there's nothing i'd rather be, but if i were'nt a camper... An Albino Pine Fligeon I would be" the revised version of the counselor song sang by my camper but this vers was my own
"I'm here to get my ultrasound" by belinda then "AHHHH" by justin running out of the room fearing he'll get pregnant
"Llama llama llama llama kiss a llama llama llama llama" dotty's version of the llama song
"I like you because you told me that i shouldnt want to go home because we'll miss you here" belinda saying why she liked me, which i do not recall saying that
"Spontaniousness" word created there by yours truely
"Oh my god! You cant see that he likes you!?!" me trying to convince nicki that justin likes her back, but i couldnt enter into her thick skull
"Good job you whore, heard you slept with nicki last night" levi to me after my staying in the other cabin with nicki that night
"Bye" i think everyone said this to their new friends as well i did, when i reluctantly left the place i live for.

~The Em~

Unexpected Gifts...

Its funny. People just sometimes pop up in your life, and its a bit weird at first, but wonderful as it goes on. To me, the people that just pop up, mean so much more than the people that slowly fade into your life. I absolutely adore these people. Right now, I couldnt imagine my life without them, but a while ago, I had no idea who they were. Mainly there are two people that just appeared. The first, I didnt actually talk to, but wanted to be friends with for a while, and that person became more to me than anyone in under a week. The second, just literally apeared one day, on my msn, and I have to admit, it was really weird at first, but now were are as tight as two threads in a cloth's hem. I absolutely adore these people, but then adore is an understatement. It feels like they made my life better by just being there that one day when we met. My friend asked me one day "If you could meet anyone, who would you meet?" She had replied, her mother who had died before she got to know her, but I said I would just go back again and meet these same people who were just these wonderful unexpected gifts to me and I couldnt live without them now. These people are like china to me: I want to always protect them from the outside world and charish them forever. I sometimes cant believe its real, but then I know it is and always will be. Pop ups are the best things in my life right now and I wouldnt trade them for anything. (But I absolutely love the 'non-pop-ups' too!)

~The Em~