Losing Aces

Oh, I haven't blogged in forever.... I guess I figured nobody read it so it was pointless to write one, but you know what? I don't care anymore; even still, its a good place to let it all out.

So, School is finally out. I'm sooo glad, on some level, because no more stupid classes! Yessssss! But, I don't really mind school. Learning is cool, and people are at school. It helps me to feel not lonely. Without school, I kind if feel a little lonely cuz no one is around. But its cool I guess. I'm good alone. Besides, I still have friends.
Last week, the first day of vacation, Rae and Nic (well Sam actually...... surprise on my part) came down to hang out for the day since Rae moved back to Florida the next day and we wanted to see each other one last time. I had a great day, I guess. I redeemed myself in Guitar Hero. The last time I played with them, they totally schooled me. This time I turned the tables. It was cool to just spend time with them. But after she left, for me, it felt like it was the end. See, Rae and I have been having a hell of a time keeping our friendship together as it is with her only 52 miles away. Now, she'll be way farther away and we never talk when she's in Florida. I kind of feel like it'll all fall apart soon, and that was the last really good time we'll ever have together... I don't know. I just really don't want it to be the end. I love her a lot, she's a great friend. She helped make me who I am today, without her I would still be a lost cause. So it kind of feels like I'm losing a little piece of me too, that is, if I lose her. I don't want to though. I just don't think it will ever be the same. I'm okay though. I'm glad I got to have her in my life at all, I feel blessed really. This is just not an era I want to end.
But Rae isn't the only era that may be coming to an end. I think Nic is too actually. I don't know why for sure... There's this part of my heart that can't take it anymore. The rest is perfectly fine, but that part is very persistant. So I guess it's hard. I don't want our friendship to end ever, never ever. That part of my heart that can't deal anymore gives up at the thought of losing her. There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't live without her. I realize I can live without her now. But I don't want to. Life without her now can't be great. I'd like to keep mine the way it is, no ending eras. I like things the way they are. Life is good now. I don't want it to change.
But life does change and eras do end. This I have to face. I don't have to like it though. I was really down Wednesday after they left because I was thinking about this. I started talking to Yvette about it and for once in my life, I have found someone who can understand how I feel. She helps a lot. I have a feeling that my heart will break, I would say a little but I know its soo much more than a little. But now I know that she's there with a bucket of super glue and she will put it back together, piece by piece. I'm not saying I'll ever forget, but at least I'll be okay. I never thought I would be before.
See, I'm better than I used to be. I think this quiet time in my life was here for me to figure it all out. And this I have done. I've never been able to say that I'm okay before. But now I am, despite it all. I don't want anything to end, and I will fight it to the end with all my heart. But I think I'm ready to face the real world. I may lose my good ace this time. But the deck isn't made only of two's and three's. There are more kings and aces left in the deck of my poker game of life.

~The Em~

Chemical Imbalance My A**

Well, for a long time you could say that I was clinically depressed. I wasn't happy and nothing could make me happy. There wasn't much of a cause for it, it was just there like a black cloud surrounding my head that I couldn't, or wouldn't, get rid of. I actually got to the point where I was contemplating suicide. Well, to be completely honest, I was planning my own suicide. I would have done it too. But something-- someone--stopped me, and I am sooooo incredibly thankful they did. After that, I began my slow, slow journey to climbing out of that hole I was in. Hell, I didn't even realized it then, but I was. It took a long time to get where I am today. I don't think I would have if it weren't for two people in my life... I want to thank them whole-heartedly. Nic, you've always been there for me and, no matter what, always made me feel better in even the worst of situations. You have had the biggest influence on my life in the best ways possible. I know that you don't think so, but you have. You're my best friend, and, I hope, always will be. Rae, you came into my life quickly and just as quickly you loved me in my bad times. That I still don't understand. You kicked my depressed ass, dude. Because of you guys, I'm doing better than I have ever done in my entire life. No, I'm not a happy-go-lucky optimist, but I'm doing good. And as proof of that, it has been an entire six months since I last cut! I never thought I could do it. And, science can kiss my ass too. Chemical imbalance my ass.... So, thank you, I guess, for sticking with my lame ass. It means more than you'll ever know. Six Months Baby!!!!!! I'm psyched...
~The Em~

What's Up?

What's up? Well, for me. Asolutely NOTHING. God! Why does life have to be soooooo boring. lol. Well, I guess stuff is happening but that doesn't change the fact that I am bored out of my mind. Let's see though. I started soccer this week and boy do I LOVE it! I think it's one of the only things I have to look forward in the day. I mean, sure I hurt sooo bad because of it, but its a good pain. I'm really psyched because they're going to start working with me on my goalie skills today. Yesterday, they just put me in the net and said absolutely nothing to help me out, just "don't worry if you suck". Well, I did. But, only one of the 5 balls that came my way got by. I hope I'll be a good goalie. I just need to get over my reflex of ducking or flinching when something comes flying towards my head at an alarming speed..lol. Ugh. On a different note, AP is also kicking my ass. It sucks so bad.... but at least this class requires some brain work. I think freshman should be able to take any class they want to, or know they can handle. Then, I'd be up in the upperclassmen classes. Boy, I wish I could be there. My brain is sad here. It wants new, fun things to learn. I'm dehydrated, thats a new one. Well, not so new. I'm always dehydrated, but majorly right now. It sucks!... But oh well, I'll get over it. And currently, the ceiling. The ceiling is up. I'm going to guess some toxic mold since I'm at school and it's a billion years old and rotten. Rats somewhere in the walls and elsewhere.... And the sky. The sky is up, as it always is. That is how dull I feel my life is right now. I have nothing more to say.
~the em~

New

New.

Sometimes, you need a change in your life.

Sometimes, it's good to be different than you were.

You're not always who you think you are, or thought you were.

Just because you do one thing one day, doesnt mean you have to do the same the next.

Time catches up to you, and you realize that you arent who you are.

The box you're in isnt who you are, so you don't have to be inside it.

A box is made of cardboard; its nothing you can't break.

The inside of a box is dark, and flashlights run dead eventually.

So the wind blows, and I let it take me with it.

No box can confine who I am.

Blackness does not describe me as I thought

But bright colors, like those of a rainbow.

I Change to who I feel I want to be.

I change as the wind blows, in whatever direction it blows me.

New is good.

Change is good.

Don't fight who you are.

Go where you feel like going, do what you feel like doing.

Let the wind blow you anywhere.

And don't stay in a stupid cardboard box.

~The Em~

Snapshot of Chicago

So I went to Chicago this week, and let me tell you it's about the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. It's were I belong, I think. Not Chicago in specific, but a large city. As soon as we could start to see the city, I brightened up. I was happy there; I didn't even need a reason to be happy. I just was. It's really hard to explain how at home I felt there. So many people were afraid of being mugged or something. But not me; it didn't seem to frighten me. The traffic bothered so many people, especially when we were shopping. But not me; it felt normal, right. I think it was the best experience of my life so far. Best place I've ever been.
And the people I was with made it that much better. Name, Jimmy. Even though I've known Jimmy for a long time, he just really popped into my life Thursday. And God I'm glad he did. I don't know how, but he makes me really happy and he knows how to make me laugh. I mean, I've only really actually been friends with the guy two days or so, but it sucks to not have him around anymore. And I know things might not be the same anymore... and that makes me sad. I want to go back sooo bad. Things were better there. Just thinking about it makes me feel better. I felt warm and wanted there. Here, it's different. I don't feel warm and wanted; it's more like cold and unwelcomed.
But I loved my trip. I know I'll go back, take someone I love with me and show them the things that make a big city like that more wonderful than they can see. I dont know... I loved my trip. I loved who I was there with. I loved the feeling of being there. I love Chicago!
~the em~

Speech

Yay me!!! We got to state in speech, which, as the first freshman in forever to get that far, i was pretty excited about. i was actually the only person the judge didnt critique. I felt special. And today we went to state, which was cool. It was awesome, really. And we got a two. That means we didnt make it on to all-state. I should feel disappointed. But I Don't! Oh my god, i am sooooo relieved, you have no idea!!! When you read the same dull script that you never even liked in the first place, over and over again 100 times, it gets old. I am so glad to never again have to pick up that script and be that lame-0 charater ever again! So here's to failure: May it always come upon us when we want it too!!!!(lol)

~the em~

Epiphany

Well, the other night, I read this book. Its a great book and I'd suggest it to any and everyone. Its called "The Realm of Possibility". It has such great depth and wonderful philosophical meaning. Any way, great book. But when I finished reading it, or really when I was reading it, I had an Epiphany, a sudden realization of great relevence (thats my definition, not everyone's). So I thought I'd share. This is a good epiphany, I think. Its kind of random and metaphorical, but if you really look at it, it makes so much sense. So here it is.
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Epiphany I

Let wat is, be.
You try too hard to find yourself.
If you sit still, wallowing in what could be, it never will.
ALONE is manmade.
When life places a hurdle in your path, jump.
Possivility is endless.
Don't limit yourself to walking when you can run.
Scars fade with time.
You can't hide forever.
You have to search before you can find.
If you question everything, you'll never have a truth.
Let it flow.
There doesn't have to be an answer for everyhting; Sometimes things just are.
Lear to live with life.
Don't provoke the unbearrable; You'll always lose the fight.
Everyone needs help once in a while.
Your dreams are your own.
YOu never know when you can change someone's life.
Don't wallow in the pain of tomorrow when today is still good.
When it rains, dance.
If you spend all your time searching for one thing, you'll miss everything else.
You can't mend a tear if you don't pick up the needle and thread.
Regret gets you nowhere.
If you can't swim, your won't learn by standing on land.
The tide comes in and washes away the old footprints, making room for the next day's.
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~The Em~