Losing Aces

Oh, I haven't blogged in forever.... I guess I figured nobody read it so it was pointless to write one, but you know what? I don't care anymore; even still, its a good place to let it all out.

So, School is finally out. I'm sooo glad, on some level, because no more stupid classes! Yessssss! But, I don't really mind school. Learning is cool, and people are at school. It helps me to feel not lonely. Without school, I kind if feel a little lonely cuz no one is around. But its cool I guess. I'm good alone. Besides, I still have friends.
Last week, the first day of vacation, Rae and Nic (well Sam actually...... surprise on my part) came down to hang out for the day since Rae moved back to Florida the next day and we wanted to see each other one last time. I had a great day, I guess. I redeemed myself in Guitar Hero. The last time I played with them, they totally schooled me. This time I turned the tables. It was cool to just spend time with them. But after she left, for me, it felt like it was the end. See, Rae and I have been having a hell of a time keeping our friendship together as it is with her only 52 miles away. Now, she'll be way farther away and we never talk when she's in Florida. I kind of feel like it'll all fall apart soon, and that was the last really good time we'll ever have together... I don't know. I just really don't want it to be the end. I love her a lot, she's a great friend. She helped make me who I am today, without her I would still be a lost cause. So it kind of feels like I'm losing a little piece of me too, that is, if I lose her. I don't want to though. I just don't think it will ever be the same. I'm okay though. I'm glad I got to have her in my life at all, I feel blessed really. This is just not an era I want to end.
But Rae isn't the only era that may be coming to an end. I think Nic is too actually. I don't know why for sure... There's this part of my heart that can't take it anymore. The rest is perfectly fine, but that part is very persistant. So I guess it's hard. I don't want our friendship to end ever, never ever. That part of my heart that can't deal anymore gives up at the thought of losing her. There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't live without her. I realize I can live without her now. But I don't want to. Life without her now can't be great. I'd like to keep mine the way it is, no ending eras. I like things the way they are. Life is good now. I don't want it to change.
But life does change and eras do end. This I have to face. I don't have to like it though. I was really down Wednesday after they left because I was thinking about this. I started talking to Yvette about it and for once in my life, I have found someone who can understand how I feel. She helps a lot. I have a feeling that my heart will break, I would say a little but I know its soo much more than a little. But now I know that she's there with a bucket of super glue and she will put it back together, piece by piece. I'm not saying I'll ever forget, but at least I'll be okay. I never thought I would be before.
See, I'm better than I used to be. I think this quiet time in my life was here for me to figure it all out. And this I have done. I've never been able to say that I'm okay before. But now I am, despite it all. I don't want anything to end, and I will fight it to the end with all my heart. But I think I'm ready to face the real world. I may lose my good ace this time. But the deck isn't made only of two's and three's. There are more kings and aces left in the deck of my poker game of life.

~The Em~