Shot Down

Shot down. Thats what happened to me..

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I made a friend. I considered them a very good friend to me. We would talk all the time on the phone. My mum didnt approve of us talking, so she limited my phone priveleges when they called. Of course I didnt agree with this so I snuck my mum's cell into my room at night and called them then. This person always made me smile. I enjoyed talking to them more than almost anyone. Then they sort of became a jerk for a while, and I felt sad like I was losing them. I didnt call them for a couple of weeks, to see if they cared enough to call me back. They didnt. But when I finally decided to call them, it seemed all my anger went away because they werent acting like a jerk anymore. The rude comments stopped coming, and I started to trust them again. We would talk on the phone at nights like always but not so frequently. Finally on night, they told me that they didnt consider me a friend anymore, that I'm more or less just a little psychiatrist girl to them, that we arent friends because I dont tell them anything. "BAM". Its just like they shot me in the chest. I felt so bad. They couldnt have chose a better time for this either, considering one of my good friends died a few days back. I then told them everything that came to my mind about how I was feeling right then; depressed. I tried to discuss other things too, but my mind was so confused, I only felt sad. Then while I felt things were starting to get a little better, they say that they have to get off the phone because its about to die, but they'll call me the next day so we can continue our conversation. Guess what? They didnt call. I felt really sad, but really mad at the same time. Its just like they shot me again and burnt me with the barrel. I feel roten, like I dont matter to anyone right now, like no one cares about me at all. I feel that if I died right now no one would care. But then again, what good would that do? I have no clue anymore. I was so depressed up untill about mid-summer and then I started to get better, gradually. Everything stayed the same, nothing changed, but I was starting to be happy again. Then the death happened and now this... it all feels like everything is going downhill right now. I guess I'm in a mourning state, and its sort of normal. I know I'll start to feel better sooner or later. But with this friend and whats going on with them? I dont know. I'll give you a sort of example: I'm up on the Brooklyn Bridge about to jump off. My friends are the ones holding me back. Before, I was trying to pull away from my friends, last year. But then I started letting them pull me back onto the bridge. If one of them lets go, I will again begin to fall and pull away from my friends. I cherish my friends deeply and to lose one is an awful thing. Right now I'm just sitting on the edge, pondering over what to do. Two of my friends already let go of me, due to death. Now I feel another is pulling away, allowing me to again resist. I hope to god that I can allow myself to me dragged back onto the bridge, into civilization, and I so dearly want that. But right now I'm just so confused... I do know some things so #1) the friends that are holding on with all their might, I thank so dearly and I love them so much for being there #2) the one who I feel is pulling I still love, because I still consider you a friend #3) I will always love my friends who passed away and will always be sad that they couldnt have more time; they died so young and #4) I will never commit suicide I feel its selfish and even though I am depressed I will never do it. So being shot down, hurts so much, but I will not try to dwell on whats wrong in life, not be the pesimist I am, but try to use optimism more... I'll try to be happy and will always be here for whoever needs me.


~The Em~